sometimes the feelings of hopelessness and depression are so strong that i want to jam a ball point pen in my neck just so i can feel something different. i know that this is ultimately the weakest, most selfish move i could make and never truley consider it but the thought is always popping up. i'm so sad. it is like never fucking ending. i'm to the point now where i don't reallly see a way out. i think that if the roamer were here he could help but maybe he can't maybe i'm just using him and his body as a place for affection.